Blue triangle butterfly

                                     PROVING SYMPTOMS

   CONTENTS:

  1. Peace, stillness, acceptance
  2. Clear, focused mind
  3. Restless mind
  4. Obsessive, neurotic, worrying
  5. Observation, detached
  6. Higher meaning, power, receiving guidance, synchronicity.
  7. Boundaries, assertion, standing up for self, responsibility and loyalty for self
  8. Speaking truth, seeing through images / facade to the truth,  denial.
  9. Negativity
  10. Sacrifice, taking responsibility
  11. Quiet, alone
  12. Social
  13. Energy, enthusiasm
  14. Fatigue, apathy
  15. Duality
  16. Going back to past
  17. Change, letting go, moving forward, holding back
  18. Food
  19. Babies, birthing, pregnancy
  20. Other

 

MIND:

 

Peace, stillness, acceptance

Stillness, awareness, being in the moment

Realised that the remedy brings some part of me back into my body, very subtle.  There’s a slightly dense energy about that part of me, I thought that I had a vague awareness of this with previous doses.

I was amazed that the remedy brought complete stillness in my mind.  I waited for the usual day to day things to run through my head during meditation but they didn’t.  Even when I ‘looked’ for them, there wasn’t anything.

This inner stillness might have something connected with the feeling of being a ‘sole entity’, a peace where there’s just god and me, instead of god, me and the rest of the world.

01, 6c, 00:02:xx (4th dose taken immediately before hand)

Woke early after a good sleep and my mind was really still (never happens to me).

03, 200c, 09:xx:xx

Diary entry: “Silence.  The beat of the electric fridge.  A tiny winged creature in the brilliance of a desk lamp.  The unpeeled mandarin picked fresh under rising moon”.

04, 200c, 02:xx:xx

Doing lots of things that are all symptoms of coming back to the moment and my self.

04, 200c, 11:xx:xx

Have been having tiny flashes of being in the here and now, and that my actions have a meaning, a purpose, a wholeness, and that they are not just scattered actions here and there.  I’m seeing how my past actions influence the present, and present actions influence the future.

06, 1M, 13:xx:xx

In meditation, went immediately deep into my body, I was fully aware within the body of sensation, clear and intense sensation.  Usually only happens towards the end of a 10 day meditation retreat, but this time I went straight in.

09, 30c, 00:12:00

Calm, peace

Relaxed in mind.

03, 200c, 04:xx:xx

I remained calm at another of the ongoing expenses of our rental.

04, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Approaching mellow.  Felt sanguine in the middle of lots of stuff going on, I can handle this.

04, 200c, 11:xx:xx

Found time to sit and meditate during proving.  There was a little turn of the wheel towards doing good things for myself – eating well, meditation etc.  Finding time amongst lots of things going on to have time for myself too. 

04, 200c, xx:xx:xx

Feel like I have reached a place inside that feels a bit safer, I feel more secure in myself.

06, 1M, 13:xx:xx

Felt more centred and calm.

06, 1M, 16:xx:xx

Feel stable and secure, not too manic or compulsive like usual, more down to earth.

06, 1M, 20:xx:xx

Feeling more inwardly composed and contented, and have noticed my room here is quite ordered and tidy, whereas every other time I’ve been here it’s been a mess.

06, 1M, 22:xx:xx

A part of me feels much more peaceful, feels like it’s from another place, doesn’t feel like me at all.  Haven’t felt this peaceful for a very long time (12 years ago).

06, 1M, 29:xx:xx

Relaxed and calm feeling.

08, 30c, 00:00:45

Mind calm, thoughts coming up about past situations and relationships with no emotions attached to them, just observing.

08, 30c, 00:00:55

Feel very peaceful.

08, 30c, 00:07:00

Feeling calm mentally, emotionally and physically.  It is easy to be focused and less distracted.  Mind calmer, so body calmer.

08, 30c, 04, 05, 08:xx:xx

Periods of calm, and achieving tasks which had been left previously.  Mind active, body calm.  Can’t fill the void with reading either. 

08, 30c, 10, 11, 13:xx:xx

More calmness in my body since taking this remedy, more sensation in my legs and body, and more peace in my body in general.

08, 30c, 42:xx:xx

Felt very peaceful when in the shower after my anger release.

10, 30c, 00:01:15

Felt very calm and centred and more in control of the situation.  Had nine over for lunch and didn’t get stressed out like I normally would.

10, 30c, 03:xx:xx

Still feel strong.  Calmly busy, keeping things going, getting things done calmly, not stopping yet not doing in a hectic way either.

10, 30c, 07:xx:xx

 

Have had more lightness and peace since taking the remedy.

10, 30c, 28:xx:xx

 

Feel rebellious, relax against the need to do things. 

11, 30c, 01:02:15

Acceptance

I’ve surrendered and accepted what’s going on around me finally, the reality of the situation has clicked in and I’ve realised it’s not going to change here.  Like a reality check, a level of denial has lifted, the outside world won’t change, so I can only change my own direction.  I am ready to see the reality of the situation and to follow through with that, decided to move out.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

 

More forgiving of myself in general.  The internalised critic isn’t getting much of a platform.  I’m giving myself more ease.

04, 200c, 11:xx:xx

Realised the importance of responsibilities, to remind self you have an important job to do whether you like it or not, it’s your lot.  I’m not trying to escape the responsibilities anymore.  Part of me just being lazy, not wanting to do it, but now another side of me is coming out and saying ‘just do it’ and pushing myself through it, keeping the momentum going even when I don’t feel like it.  Being more proactive.

06, 1M, 16:xx:xx

 

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed than usual, don’t mind what happens, easier to let things go, chat to people without wanting to control things.  Feel more happy being where I am rather than wanting to be somewhere else or talking to someone better.

06, 1M, 16:xx:xx

Feel strong, happier to go with the flow, happy to stay at home where normally I would be agitated.  Don’t feel lonely or desperate, I have really accepted something about myself.  I’m accepting the here and now and just happy to be, more accepting of the moment.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

I don’t feel too open (spread out and dissipated) with people anymore, I feel less self conscious about what others think of me, don’t care anymore as I don’t really want anything anymore.  Feel satisfied where I am, not thinking I should be elsewhere, and also more able to let things go - even people, I can interact and then let them go and move on instead of trying to hold onto them.

There’s a big release that’s come over me, I’ve stopped fighting, just being, happier in my failures.  I feel much more peaceful.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

Not yearning for a different reality anymore, accepting my life, happy humming along, not wondering what’s out there.

06, 1M, 28:xx:xx

Acceptance, an ending, feels like I’ve been in the thick of it, but now coming to a close and gaining acceptance and peace again.  Understanding how I give too much to others.

08, 30c, 55:xx:xx

 

Clear, focused mind

Clear

Mind feels clear, can hold a good conversation without any of the usual agitation and frustration.  Can laugh and feel more pleasure than usual.  Feel more centred in general.

06, 1M, 01:xx:xx

Feel like the remedy is helping my mind to have clearer thinking patterns.

06, 1M, 13:xx:xx

Have been noticing that I am getting a clearer idea of what I am doing in my head.  In remembering and recording the past, I’m getting a sense of continuity and able to look forward to the future instead of having no sense of it.  The act of trying to remember is like rewiring my brain, clicks things into place and gives me a sense of the future.

Feel like I’m getting into a different space in my head where I haven’t been for a long time.  This space is where I worry, anticipate and look forward to things, get anxious, but also the space that gave me hope and a sense of the past, present and future.  Realised that when I cut out that part of my brain that worried about tomorrow (age 19 through stress, trauma) and became numb, I also lost the good that goes with that - the hope and excitement and sense of myself in time.

So now am feeling a bit more in touch with my limitations, enthusiasms and worries.

06, 1M, 13:xx:xx

Feel clear mentally.

06, 1M, 28:xx:xx

Feel clear after talking, less tired.

08, 30c, 00:09:00

My thoughts have been very clear today.  A realisation that I am fully thinking with clarity, without the old programmes popping up all the time.  Less right and wrong type thinking.  Let go of the old established obedient way of doing, and seeing things in a different light.  Very focused.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Feel clear.  I think the remedy is making me feel better.

10, 30c, 00:08:00

Feel a lot clearer and energy is better.  Got a bit of a surge of energy, felt a bit clearer all of a sudden.  Felt like this energy moved through the place (business) and I knew it was going to be busy tomorrow.

10, 30c, 01:08:00

Feel very clear and positive.  Have clear intentions, kept the energy and intentions up all morning.  It was like a dark cloud lifted off me and now I’m feeling quite clear.

10, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Feel clear, almost like I’ve had an amazing gift, someone sitting there going ‘everything will be fine’ and stimulating my energy, and everything’s changed, everything is going to be fine.  I feel better on a really deep level.

10, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Mind clearer after a deep sleep in afternoon.

11, 30c, 00:08:xx

Mind clear and sharp.  Feel joyful and have good energy.

11, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Feel organised and clear.  Happy, sense of wellbeing.

11, 30c, 07:xx:xx

Focus

Senses heightened, there’s a focus and awareness with everything I look at.

01, 6c, 00:03:50

Doing the proving seemed to give me a focus on the small things of my health.  Sharpened my focus on what’s going on.

04, 200c, xx:xx:xx

Feel directed and focused.

06, 1M, 02:xx:xx

Felt quite in tune today, went from feeling aimless and lost, then brain got on track and focused, and things worked out quite well, felt better.

06, 1M, 02:xx:xx

I feel very strong and focused, and centred on forming my own business, not getting sidetracked.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Feel very positive and focused.  I know what needs to be done.

08, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Concentration

Have a real thirst for knowledge at the moment, watching documentaries a lot.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Overall, mentally buoyant.  Concentration better in reading and conversation.

04, 200c, 13:xx:xx

Felt sharper in the mind than usual, am reading more, have better concentration.  Feel more aroused than usual (normally feel dull and depressed).

06, 1M, 02:xx:xx

Reading a lot more, bored with television.  Am able to concentrate easily and think clearly.

06, 1M, 04, 07:xx:xx

Mind feels clear, can concentrate really well, feel on top of things.

06, 1M, 18, 28:xx:xx

Seem to have a greater capacity to just slip into that deeper meditation since remedy.  Not trying hard, but there is a depth of concentration and awareness there.

09, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Restless mind

When feverish, sick and nauseous, couldn’t find a good mind-space, felt tortured, empty and hopeless, repetitive feelings, felt very stagnant, felt as though my tummy was stopping me from having continuous thought.  Felt like my mind-state was connected with being in a comfortable position, very restless.

06, 1M, 00:16:xx

Mind active, feel the need to do something, go somewhere, be active, and my body is following along.

08, 30c, 08:xx:xx

In meditation, more distracted and lots more mind chatter than usual, though on another level I was more aware of sensation on a deep level than usual.

09, 30c, 00:00:10

Restless mind.  Thinking about different things, couldn’t be still in my mind, was always thinking of something and sometimes two or three things at the same time.

11, 30c, 01:05:00

Obsessive, neurotic, worrying

I’ve noticed I’m not so obsessive about things anymore, more able to let things go, not going over things in my mind so much.

06, 1M, 28:xx:xx

Lost the lovely calm feeling I’ve had the past day or two, feel more anxious and my body is not at ease.

08, 30c, 06:xx:xx

Dreamt about dad and my brother.  My brother was flying a plane and dad said “I always knew he would be flying me around someday”.

Swimming in the ocean, but looking all around me there was no land and the waves were getting bigger.  I was scared until my brother told me it was okay and I found a beach.

Dreamt about my contact lenses and how all of them were old and damaged.

Interpretation:  my brother’s a success, and I’m looking around trying to find where to land, what to do with my life and getting scared I won’t find it, but he reassures me and I do. 

06, 1M, 09:xx:xx (first time)

Self obsession

On speaking to supervisor, start to feel self obsessed talking about me and how I feel.

08, 30c, 58:xx:xx

While talking to a friend, became aware of how I’m addicted to talking about my stuff, especially if it’s been successful – something I’ve worked through.  Realised it’s an ego thing, feels good talking about my successes.

09, 30c, 00:03:00

Wondering whether talking too much of myself lately.

09, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Realised how self focused mum is and it made me feel unloved and that she wasn’t interested in me, and realised it’s been happening all my life.  For once I just wanted a mum that could forget about herself for awhile, to keep it together and look after me.  Makes me feel physically tired and depressed. Part of me doesn’t want to deal with her when she’s in her desperate states anymore, just want a normal mum who is strong in herself.

06, 1M, 17, 20:xx:xx

Health obsession

Worried about the pain in my left gut, when is it going to go away? 

04, 200c, 02:xx:xx

Worried about the sensation in left gut area for four days or so.

04, 200c, 04:xx:xx

 

Dreamt about fungus all over my skin, first in my foot; and that I had crowns on my teeth, and my teeth were coming out.  I even gave a chunk to my girlfriend.  The fungus was like tiny straw mushroom, first in right foot, then face and all over legs.  It was from a drug I took.  Felt a bit scared and weirded out by it.

06, 1M, 09:xx:xx

Dream (4.55am) where my brother in law said there was a history of tumours of the liver in his family and that it could be passed on to others like a virus.  Then he said it could be stomach cancer from smoking.

06, 1M, 15:xx:xx

Dreamt of blood moving in a vein in my left leg to one in my right leg.  They were hard and my partner said ‘you must stop smoking’.

06, 1M, 37:xx:xx

Had a big anger release into the pillow about my partner’s neurotic hypochondria.  Felt more volatile than usual, normally wouldn’t reach that point.  Normally I would brood for days, but came out of this depression and irritation very quickly. 

10, 30c, 00:01:15

Anxious about pain in chest, fear of heart stuff.  Felt a bit out of sorts.  Wondering all day if I should do something about the pain in my chest, part of me wanting to go to the hospital and another part saying ‘don’t be silly, it will just create more anxiety’.  The anxiety is only there when the pain in my chest is there.

10, 30c, 19:xx:xx

Consumed with thoughts about my health, obsessed with it, whether I should go to the hospital or not.  I thought of it constantly through the day when I was at home, although not so much when out of the house.  No energy for thoughts of moving or renovating at all.

10, 30c, 19:xx:xx

Obsessing about my physical complaints, feel like I’m obsessed with myself.  No longer do I feel invincible.  Feel very neurotic about my physical complaints.

10, 30c, 21:xx:xx

Realised I don’t want to look into my own eyes and see my own problems as I might become obsessed with that and then fear may take hold and I’d create it.

10, 30c, 28:xx:xx

Neurotic, desire to run away

Mind feels scattered, worried and concerned about everything.  Just want to sit and relax, but the rest of me is numb, just needing to sit.

03, 200c, 03:xx:xx

Dealt with a situation on the phone well, but then watched the shock and panic reaction afterwards – a need to do something, go somewhere, anything to get rid of the feeling.  I stayed and breathed, and after 10 – 15 minutes I’m calm and focused again with a better understanding of my reaction to the situation.

08, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Thought I was calm, but when I got to a calm environment I realised how fast I’m going, feel ungrounded, manic, like I must be doing stuff.

08, 30c, 33:xx:xx

Woke with lots of thoughts going crazy in my head.  Feel a bit touchy today, could easily get cranky.  Feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious in my belly.

10, 30c, 15:xx:xx

I’m usually a bit neurotic about work, obsessing about it, which went away in the first couple of weeks of the proving, but now has returned with a vengeance.

10, 30c, 21:xx:xx

Realised how neurotic I can be and have been around my business, obsessing over paying bills on time, have only ever had one friendly reminder and it tears my heart.  Now obsessing about my health.  Observing and becoming aware of how neurotic I can be.

10, 30c, 21:xx:xx

Paranoia, neurotic energy, which I’ve never had before in my life.  Sensation of ‘I have to get out of here, must get away from this situation, I can’t handle this’.  Feeling I wanted to get away as this wasn’t me, this is bizarre.  Like another being creating this feeling and I had to get away.  Lasted 3 days.  Felt tight on my chest like this neurotic feeling was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe.  This jittery, must get out of here feeling.

11, 30c, 21?:xx:xx

Dream, 1.50am - sitting in a shower room, had my shower, it’s late and someone is coming and I’m very anxious they’ll find me there.  I just want to not be noticed, or get away so they don’t know I’m there.  The anxiety is very strong, they have loud voices and I don’t want them bursting through the door.  I’m sitting so I lift up my feet so they can’t see them under the door.  I’m suddenly in a house and there is trouble.  Trouble and arguing and every room I go into someone is there and I just can’t get away from people and the trouble and arguments.  I’m looking for a place to hide.  A boy reminds me of other rooms, like secret passages to a part of the house noone remembers.  I had forgotten those places but now I remembered where they were.  I was grateful.  Woke up feeling anxious and vulnerable like someone was coming to get me and I don’t know who it is.

Interpretation:  this was an anxiety dream, trying to get away from things, secret passages a way to escape trouble.  As a child couldn’t physically escape, so escaped in my head.  The secret passageways are like ways I found to escape.

08, 30c, 04:xx:xx

Observation, detached

Felt detached.  Not getting involved in anything in my head.

03, 200c, 00:06:00

Mind going over thoughts and issues from childhood, not emotional, just clarity about what I experienced as a child and how my view of life was unbalanced by my experiences.

08, 30c, 01:xx:xx

It is like all these symptoms are coming up, being shown to me and I’ve been given the option to observe them and let them go, and not get caught up in the drama and fear of it.  All symptoms came and went, much more of an observation than usual, not getting involved, just observing and understanding them.  So many old symptoms came up and then passed in a short period of time.

08, 30c, 00:00:25 (day 3)

More able to detach and observe thoughts and problems and not take them on.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

 

It is as if all these old symptoms were woken up and shown to me, and then I’m being put back together again, bits that weren’t working are starting to function again.  I’ve come from a process of shutting myself down to opening myself up again.

08, 30c, 58:xx:xx

Went for a run, had heaviness and lethargy in the top part of my body, which on any other occasion would be enough reason to not do the run.  But instead of giving up, I had this sense of another part of my body being in control of running, mechanical control of running.  As I was running Sex pistols song “Anger is an energy” came into my head and I was singing it as I went along in rhythm to mechanical running.  Never experienced that before, this separateness, the mechanical nature of the lower body moving was like an energy coming from a different place, and totally separate from the heavy sensation and mood of giving up.

09, 30c, 00:07:00

Felt like there was two of me, one conscious of the other one going through this neurotic situation, an observer.

11, 30c, 21:xx:xx

Higher meaning, power, receiving guidance, synchronicity.

Synchronicity

Felt like whatever I’ve been thinking has almost happened straight away, lots of sweet synchronicity type things happening.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Noticed coincidences with television, unusual.

06, 1M, 05:xx:xx (first time)

Dreamt of an old Holden with a huge turbo engine in it and then when I woke I saw the car, same colour (cream) and everything.

06, 1M, 14:xx:xx (first time)

Connections with my dreams of yesterday – a lady who does angel workshops came in and she had angel wings on her t shirt (like the badge in my dream.  A client told me to speak clearly because of my accent (like other dream where they could hear traces of England).  Felt like I was in the right place, a confirmation that I’m doing the right thing.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Receiving guidance, help

During meditation immediately after taking 4th dose of remedy, I ‘saw’ the lower half of my torso balloon out like a teardrop shape or a pot bellied man and the lining of this shape was a luminous violet colour.  I saw different shapes that were all this colour.  A vague shape of a tree with no leaves but tiny multi coloured (mostly violet), twinkling dots at the end of the branches that sort of looked like leaves, it was very beautiful.

I saw a serene garden, very mossy, rainforesty, greenery with an old pram in it. Then I was reminded of a time when I was very sick 12 years ago when I felt an angel feather brush across my top lip and the words “crushed are the holy, for they shall smell the flowers”.  Then I felt so strongly this same angel standing in front of me in the meditation.  I was overwhelmed with emotion and excitement that I didn’t know whether to laugh, scream or cry.  Then it was over.

01, 6c, 00:02:xx (4th dose taken immediately before hand)

Had a voice saying “everything other than god is false and all is god”, and saw that the egoic mind isn’t god’s will.

03, 200c, 09:xx:xx

Today I consulted the I Ching, which I rarely do.  40 Hsieh – Opportunity.  “Aim high.  Your reach will not exceed your grasp.  The taming power of the small.  Be gentle: friendly persuasion; firm determination within, gentleness and adaptability in external relations; retreat with others of reasonable and resolute mind; beware forceful."

04, 200c, 02:xx:xx

Realised I never ask for help, felt awkward doing so, but did and it felt good.

06, 1M, 05:xx:xx

Dreamt that someone said “you’d better buy panels for your car because they’re going to stop making them”.

06, 1M, 21:xx:xx

There’s been a little leap, totally not of my volition, it feels like it’s come from somewhere else.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

A part of me feels much more peaceful, feels like it’s from another place, didn’t feel like me at all.  Haven’t felt this peaceful for a very long time (before breakdown 12 years ago).

06, 1M, 29:xx:xx

Have started getting songs coming into my head and singing them out of nowhere.  Some recently I remember :  Dirty creatures; Comfortably numb; When all I want is you; Going to the chapel and we’re going to get married; and it feels like heaven’s so far away.

06, 1M, 31:xx:xx

 

While taking the remedy it felt like something or someone was helping me, coming from somewhere else, it was subtle but profound, like someone just flicked a switch and I got this surge of energy and strength.

06, 1M, 43:xx:xx

Usually get very overwhelmed by my responsibilities of business, but yesterday afternoon it just switched, like some little angel came in and swept the energy around and said to me ‘you are going to be so busy now’.  Feel like my energy has caught up with the business, not stuck in my responsibility trip anymore.

10, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Dream - Getting Out of Hospital - I am picking up two people (at different times) from a private hospital. I am told to read carefully, the instructions for what they have to do now that they are out of hospital.

Dream - Electing a Leader - I am with a group of people who are electing a religious leader (like the election of the pope).  We are to wear our special white robes. The venue is like a very big theatre with red velvet upholstery and lots of seats with a stage. Old and very ornate. In my dream I am with a friend who is a Swami and we are both on the election committee. I have to go upstairs to my apartment to get into my robes. There are ornate winding staircases. I get onto my floor but find that there is a rope with a sign, no entry on it to stop the public from going across a walkway to the apartments. I get under the rope to go across and pass some security people who recognise me but say in a joking way, didn’t you see that you are not supposed to come this way. I was in my every day clothes. I tell them I have to get dressed for the election.

Dream – Altar - I am at a pool with my Swami friend and other religious devotees. My husband arrives and I take him up to the top of a hill on some land that we own to show him where the Monk has built an altar for us.

 Themes – Those in power, listen to a higher power, listen to someone who knows more.  Structure, power people – doctors, religious leaders etc.  In first dream it was very important to follow the doctor’s instructions; then next dream electing others to be more powerful, listening to a higher power, to someone who knows more.

02, 6c, 00:19:xx

Dream deeply.  I find myself in the middle of a river.  There is a wall that stops me from going further.  I put my hand on the wall and find a purse there.  I pick it up, it is full of coins.  When I look over the wall I see that I can never swim across it, the river is twice as wide as I thought it to be and flowing very fast.  Before I know it I am very gently picked up by caring hands and put down on an area where I can sit.  When I ask if the purse belongs to any of the 2 people that are there they say no, I should keep it.  The part of the river that I had crossed is gone. There now is a gravel bed, which allows me to walk to shore.

It is hard to wake up from this dream, hard to come back to this world.

11, 30c, 00:06:30

Higher meaning

Seeing the problems around me now as a gift at times, the push to help me move on.  Hard to not make it personal, but am choosing not to do that, and seeing it as a push from the universe to do something better living-wise.  I’m going to take the risk to find what I want.

03, 200c, 02:xx:xx

Feel everything has a meaning, that even the small things like passing moments with strangers are significant.

06, 1M, 18:xx:xx

I am trusting my intuition more, learning to let the impulses get stronger.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

As I let go of the programmed shoulds and should nots of life, my brain feels lighter and lifted somehow, not so heavy and full.  No longer living so much by mans laws, but by gods, a more natural, instinctive way to treat ourselves and others with love, respect and consideration.

08, 30c, 06:xx:xx

Dream – I could hold my hands above a dusty table and move the dust using a special power.  I also moved objects.

06, 1M, 04:xx:xx

Dream that I was moving stuff with my hands, only small, light stuff.  I was in the top of a building and so I used my power to smash the window into little bits so it didn’t hurt the people below.  Then we were looking at rolled foil to help our fall (only a tool to use with magic) and a sheet.  The saturn person was a magician but someone said ‘not anymore’.

Comments:  I don’t know why this came up, maybe trying to figure out why I have magical powers, it was the image on Liz Greene’s Saturn book.

06, 1M, 22:xx:xx

Dreamt I was in a small company who had Marcus Aureus or creas?  (aurelius?).  Also I had the ability to sense if there were cavities underground with my hand.  A friend of mine was very sceptical.

06, 1M, 38:xx:xx

Boundaries, assertion, standing up for self, responsibility and loyalty for self

Sensitive, vulnerable, open, low boundaries.

Feel vulnerable and fearful about my life again.

03, 200c, 08:xx:xx

Dreamt of a tiger trying to get me while I was in a house.  I was trying to close the doors, but it clawed my right forearm before I could close it.  Woke feeling scared.

06, 1M, 08:xx:xx

 

Dreamt of avoiding pythons on the road in a car.

06, 1M, 11:xx:xx

Was feeling depressed before remedy, but when I took it I became really annoyed by my partner, he was getting under my skin for no reason.

10, 30c, 00:00:05

Feeling a bit overwhelmed emotionally.

10, 30c, 00:07:00

I feel very touchy emotionally, could easily get angry.

10, 30c, 01:03:00

Bit of a touchy mood.  I feel good but I notice that I can be a bit short fused.

10, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Sensitive today ‘don’t push me, I’m not in the mood’.

10, 30c, 19:xx:xx

 

Objective

I feel more able to detach from others.  I’m more in my own skin, not taking things personally, seeing that others have problems too. 

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

I’m seeing “how to accept the best in people, but never to fear the worst”.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Am finding myself able to be more objective with mum, not so wrapped up in her situation, and able to be firm with her and to give practical advice instead of just being overly sympathetic and getting off track, looking more at what the real issue is.

06, 1M, 18:xx:xx

Boundaries, feeling strong in self, standing up for self, assertive,

First email today from a client who has MS – she was feeling very depressed and not eating.  Then received another email from her about a channel from Archangel Michael – he told her that MS was a hardening of the heart and a need to love oneself.

Studying cells – phospholipids form membranes around cells and organelles forming a lipid bilayer, providing separation from external, to block out the unwanted, carrier proteins let things through, selective transport in and out of cells.

02, 6c, 00:xx:xx

Related to 2 male friends like they were humans on a journey with me, not holding the key to my feelings of happiness, pain and frustration for a change.  Realised how much of a hook I usually have on men in my interactions with them, and that I see them as a higher power that can tell me whether I’m ok (if they like me) or not.  This time I was more in my self and more aware of my need to get approval and attention from them.  Realised I don’t want to do this anymore, want to see them as people rather than using them for my own purposes.

03, 200c, 00:02:00

Said something helpful to a friend and it helped them, but it wasn’t coming from the heart, it was more like ‘do this cause I can’t handle it’.  Finally getting fed up at the appropriate time, not taking on others stuff so much, touching on the difficult things in relationships.

03, 200c, 07:xx:xx

I feel there’s a slight change in direction in the people I’m going to share things with.  I want to have more integrity around these things.  Never known when to hold on or let go of relationships before.

03, 200c, 09:xx:xx

Learning to trust my own truth and put my foot down and say ‘no, actually that’s not me’, I know best for me and not taking on others stuff where normally I would have.

03, 200c, 54:xx:xx

Feel I have stronger boundaries, can stick up for myself, more able to speak up and be true to myself.  Feel stronger in general, can tell people what I think and I’m not going to be sucked in and be nice if it’s not me.  Am also being more assertive and firm, not doing things just to please people anymore.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

I don’t feel too open (spread out and dissipated) with people anymore, I feel less self conscious about what others think of me, don’t care anymore as I don’t really want anything anymore.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

Dream about my car.  It had an engine rebuild and then I was staying at this place with my old tour guide bosses.  I worried about the car, it vanished and I got ‘Bear’ on the ground because he was responsible.  There was a centipede I rescued from the house and also a huge cockroach which shat this brown liquid onto a girls long white dress before I could get it out.  She didn’t mind.

 Interpretation:  boss had been irresponsible, not doing the right thing by anyone, car was new and precious to me, him not respecting me, asserting myself against this.  Asserting myself rather than putting up with crap of others.

06, 1M, 35:xx:xx

Realised how people and society subtly tell you what to do and control you, so took a deliberate stance and took a stand on things.  Normally I would have just done what they told me, but realised I had some control of the situation too and didn’t have to do what they said.  Bit more assertive, standing up for myself, not complaining about it, doing something about it.  Standing up for my rights against the system and to not become a victim of it.  Saw how so many people are victimised by a system that is meant to be helping them.  Willing victims most of the time as they more you give and try to please, the more they want.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Seeing issues standing up for myself and in setting boundaries with people.

08, 30c, 07:xx:xx

Learning to not allow others projections to land on me, but to reflect them back.  Learning to be in my space, doing my thing, and not being affected by those around me.

08, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Setting the boundaries, not trying to be socially nice just to fulfil others expectations.  Being firm and not taking it on.  Realised how people parcel words up sweetly, but actually can be quite vicious and designed to control.  If your boundaries are strong, you know who you are, and if you’re coming from the heart, then noone can affect you.  Now I’m not trying to please people and bend out of shape for others.  I’m more centred in myself so more able to hold my boundaries and not get caught up in it.

08, 30c, 33:xx:xx

Am learning to protect myself from the arrows of other peoples words, to see them and reflect them back, whereas before I would have let them hit me and taken them on.  Realised that, on a deep level, my aura is sound, I can speak from the heart and stand up for myself.  Before I would have drawn it out and taken it on, but now I can recognise it and consciously choose to not take it on.

08, 30c, 42:xx:xx

Normally very firm about saying no when I don’t want to work, but I crumbled and said yes, ended up not having to do it, but it reaffirmed that I am not crumbling again.  Realised by being firm and saying no when I mean no, that I am encouraging others to stand up for themselves and to not say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ out of a sense of duty or martyrdom or victim.  Nurses sacrificing themselves for the institution and working when they don’t feel up to it out of guilt or whatever, but then take it out on the patients, and because they sacrifice themselves for the hospital, the hospital never sees the problem that they’re short staffed and so never does anything about it, so the nurses keep bearing the weight.  Self sacrifice stuff.

09, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Feel more confident.  Had some little tests where I felt like people were pulling my confidence down and where I would normally get worried and stew over it, but I didn’t allow it to affect me.  Realised it was just a tool to show me how I felt about myself.

10, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Realised I have created scenarios with others to make me see that I was taking on too many responsibilities of others and then getting resentful of it.  Now I’m not needing to rely on others for success so much, taking responsibility for myself.

10, 30c, 09:xx:xx

Dream about my business.  Two women can in and took over energetically.  I felt manipulated and controlled.  They were doing some kind of hydro wash and people loved it.  They came by the dozens.  I had a treatment and somehow my clothes went missing.  I looked everywhere, people were looking with me and we couldn’t find them.  I was only wearing a towel and I felt that these women had taken them to keep me out of the picture.  Eventually I found my clothes and when I came out the place was in total chaos and everything was gone in the shop and it had food dropped everywhere, and these women had taken control of all the money and they said they were.  I was frantic and didn’t know what to do, a couple of the older ones who have been here a while stuck with me and we planned to get rid of them.  My partner was nowhere to be seen and eventually it was dark and they wouldn’t leave so I just said straight out they had to go, it was my business and they didn’t fit in, and they had to go straight away.  I then felt that my power was back.  I went outside and met a male friend who said he would wait and help I I needed it.  He said he was also having trouble with hot doggy and someone else.  I went back inside and one of the women was cooking and handing out tempura prawns to everybody and saying ’sorry I didn’t mean to create disruption’, but I didn’t want to have any because I didn’t trust her, but I did and the dream ended.  I woke wondering what’s going to happen now, felt violated, thought the shop had been robbed and didn’t want to go in to work.

 Interpretation: fear of total lack of control and position, and things gotten to a state of chaos, I was stripped of all my control, even my clothes.  Then had to really find the strength within to confront them and tell them to go, without support.  About standing up for myself, taking control.  Not letting myself be manipulated and giving my power over to others, as then there is chaos.

10, 30c, 03:xx:xx

Really resolved a situation about clear communication and not letting people walk over me.  Saw the pattern between my daughter and I, where she was keeping me in a space where I wouldn’t rock the boat so that the boat wouldn’t be rocked for her husband.  Emotional manipulation, felt like I was being treated like a geriatric, felt paranoid about the kids finding out I was sick again.  Got more assertive around this and felt like I really cut through it.  Now I’m aware of it and feel strong that I’m not going to let it happen again.  Lots of clarity, as if waking up from a dream and seeing the reality.  Afterwards felt strong and in my body.

11, 30c, 21?:xx:xx

Pleasing people

Dream about being in India and how someone did a burnout on the road and I had to repair it with earth and some carpet otherwise people would get hurt.  I heard someone say “we would love you to get married, especially my friend, but now you are not, we won’t like you anymore”.  Remember I had to chase my car because John Cleese stole it.  When I caught him, I was very big and I shouted at him through the window while I held the car up.

06, 1M, 04:xx:xx

Dreamt of saving dad from an explosion.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx

Dreamt of whales with their calves at sea.  Then I was in a group of people like a tour group and there was a woman with blonde hair who a friend and I were trying to please.  I prepared some pasta with salami on top and green beans, but my friend got there first.  I said his dish looked tastier but mine was more healthy.  So she tried some. 

06, 1M, 17:xx:xx (first time)

Dreamt I was in a band with a friend E, and two men.  We were trying to play Stairway to Heaven, but we couldn’t get in tune or find the chords.  We were about 12 stories up with a huge crowd of people with candles below in a street.  They seemed to be waiting forever for us.  Also dreamt of my ex.  We were in bed holding each other, and I really wanted to have sex with her but she didn’t want to.  We were trying to avoid her boyfriend who seemed to be around in the distance.

06, 1M, 00:xx:xx ; or 20:xx:xx (first time)

Society – responsibility, expectations of society, standing up to society,

Realised that culture, by giving us strict boundaries, provides an elaborate way for us to function in an otherwise orderless world where the only necessities are eating, sleeping and loving.  Without rules and responsibilities (boundaries) we’ll come unstuck – a balance of must with that of choice.

06, 1M, 28:xx:xx

Dreamt I was flying to the tops of tall buildings.  Then I noticed one of them was leaning over so I went inside to save Sean and someone else, we had a parachute between us.  Then when the time came to jump we were so close to the ground we hopped out and ran to avoid the building landing on us.  We slid along on our shoes because the street was wet.

Interpretation:  about being empowered, exciting, escaping from the dangers of a city, being a hero, doing things that really matter.

06, 1M, 26:xx:xx

Have a desire for complete and utter freedom from duty, responsibility, and the past.

08, 30c, 07:xx:xx

Dream:  I am in a field and have to get the horses in.  Three greys come galloping at me, I put my arms out to slow them and they race by me.  Three men are trying to run with them and race them, but they can’t keep up, are they chasing them?  I can hear my daughter and someone else at the back of me.  It’s a darker area, almost misty and dull.  It’s a walled garden area with stables and she has the horses, I’m looking for Laser and I can’t find him.  I’m supposed to give him his feed, I shout her and she can’t hear me.  I shout louder ‘have you seen Laser, I can’t find him’, and she shouts that she has him and its ok.  I can’t see her, but I know she’s busy.  I’m bolting the gates in the wall.

In a house, it’s a bed and breakfast place.  Am with lots of strangers, except I’ve got my little grandson with me.  He has wet himself and its running all over the polished floorboards.  I’m trying to mop it all up.  The house is built around a courtyard.  It’s a very small courtyard, I’ve seen much nicer ones. I don’t like it very much.

 Interpretation:  horses represent freedom, sensitivity, grace, beauty and speed to me.  It was a brave thing to do to hold arms out to stop them.  Laser was our first horse, my daughter wouldn’t part with him.  Dream about letting go giving freedom, fear not holding people back anymore.  Fears of others crippling you, me for my daughter, my mothers fears crippled father etc.

Bed and breakfast with strangers, grandson embarrassing me among strangers, trying to mop it up like nothing has happened.  Gaoled by society’s views.

08, 30c, 08:xx:xx

Dream, 1.30am: I sat with some musicians.  They are all accomplished and have their music.  It looks complicated and they seem to assume I am one of them.  I can’t make out whether they are guitars or violins.  My instrument has not had the strings tightened so it can’t be played properly, so I start to tighten them to get a musical sound.  I can’t find my copy of the music.  The conductor is an Oriental man and he points out music I can use and they start to get on with what they are doing.  I am not one of them yet I am.  I feel I’ve been somewhere else doing other things instead of practising my music like they have, but they don’t mind because they know I can do it.

 Interpretation:  I’ve always wanted to be a musician, in dream everyone knew I could do it but I didn’t feel up to it, felt stressed by it, and the feeling of expectations from others and myself.  My own expectations not allowing me to try, so I stop myself from working and practicing and then I can’t do it, even though others know I could do it.

08, 30c, 04:xx:xx

Dream, 6.55am: I’m looking for a school.  I want to know what they teach and how they teach!  Looking for one that knows about angels and fairies.  Want a badge inside the uniform jacket of an angel or fairy.  Realise schools only teach you to wear a uniform and obey rules and to believe what you are told.

 Interpretation: this dream gave me an understanding of what a school is about – not to educate you, but to conform you to a uniform, to obey rules and believe what you’re told.  Looking for a school where I will learn about what I want to learn about – interested in angels and fairies since.  The badge is a conforming thing, but on the inside of the jacket so it is inner, secret.  So in looking for a school where you know what and how they teach, it’ll look establishment and like I’m conforming, but actually learning on another level.  Learning how to be in a system without letting the system close you down, but still keeping the secret badge.  To use the system rather than let it use you.

08, 30c, 04:xx:xx

Wandered out of a party as not interested in children talk and was happy outside by the fire, but then they felt bad that I’d gone outside, this obligation to be there and socialise wasn’t being fulfilled on my part, so their issues have come up and they are expecting me to alleviate it for them.  Having to stand up for what you want rather than what others want you to do.  Not taking responsibility for other peoples stuff.

09, 30c, xx:xx:xx

Seeing how society gets you to do what they want by calling you selfish if you do your own thing and don’t fulfill the obligation to make those around you happy.  I feel it’s part of my mission in life to help people see that.  Need to be true to ourselves.  Creates so much anxiety and agitation as so often we are saying ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’.

09, 30c, xx:xx:xx

Speaking truth, seeing through images / facade to the truth,  denial.

Speaking truth

Am using logical reasoning to help understand my emotions, and seeing choices.  Feel more able to recognise that my feelings influence the way things are going to happen, and determine the outcome.  Saw how I have used this negatively, tried to control it.  It’s becoming clearer in my head that my feelings affect others whether I’m talking about them or not.

03, 200c, 04:xx:xx

I spoke my truth with a friend finally, I’m not covering up anymore like I have done my whole life.

08, 30c, 01:xx:xx

I am realising more and more the truth of what I’m feeling instinctively and saying instinctively is the right thing for others to hear.  It’s not about the words, but the knowing and intention of it, if it’s coming from the heart then it will be the right thing to say.  Developing a knowing and a trusting.

08, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Not wanting to talk about peoples children for hours, not upset about it, just saying it how it is rather than being polite and bored.  At the same time, I’m aware that I have no family and so my thoughts are egocentric, but on another level it is often safe territory to gossip about the children or others and avoid talking about yourself.  Denying own stuff by focusing on the children, whereas I don’t have a problem talking about my own stuff.

09, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Not speaking truth

Said something helpful to a friend and it helped them, but it wasn’t coming from the heart, it was more like ‘do this cause I can’t handle it’.

03, 200c, 07:xx:xx

Woke up dreaming.  We visited a woman.  I was with a man.  We had 2 dogs.  One went missing in or around the woman’s house, which could have been in Bali.  The woman we knew had something to do with the missing of our little black and white dog, maybe she sold it.  We looked everywhere and could not find it.  The woman came after us and we went looking.

 Next dream was about signing papers.  My sister and her husband had a proposition (I have no sister).  Papers needed to be signed, my sister pressured me into signing (real feeling of being pressured).  But it was in her husband’s surname.  My man (I seem to have one) told me not to trust her.  Then I found out that she is not married to the man so the papers were false or illegal (conned?).

I wake up sneezing my head off.

11, 30c, 07:xx:xx

 

Truth behind the façade, seeing through the images, waking up to reality

Like a reality check, a level of denial has lifted, the outside world won’t change, so I can only change my own direction.  I am ready to see the reality of the situation and to follow through with that, decided to move out.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

The remedy has helped me to tune into the part of me that knows when people are being truthful.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Since the proving, I’m becoming a lot more sensitive to feelings even if I don’t really like them.  Feel I need to be clear and the feelings can inform me of what I want to do.

03, 200c, xx:xx:xx

Dreamt of these black and white butterflies that had a particular soaring flight.  Then I found their pupa on the ground on weeds – thin and shiny.  Then they turned into another butterfly pupa – Painted Lady.

Interpretation: something very interesting turning into something very ordinary (Painted Lady).  Coming back to reality.

06, 1M, 07:xx:xx (first time)

Dream about a strange landscape.  I was with a blonde woman, and I remember flying across a dim hilly land with sparse trees.  It was fairly flat and not rocky and we glided down a very steep bit.  I was saying “the whole of this area would have been lush forest”.  Then I remember meeting with two men who had stopped their job to begin working on the river to remove rubbish from it and then recycle it.  Then I was at a house near the river and I was picking out butterflies to go in a butterfly house, I remember the Green Spotted Triangle and a male Cairns Birdwing.  I also remember capturing a Papilio ageus with Common Brown wings kind of stuck on the underside of it, weird.  Then I was dancing with the woman who was semi naked, but there was a strict rule of no sex.

 Interpretation:  Looking at how I used to be, a lush forest, but now a dying landscape, though accepting the beauty in that at the same time.  Cleanup going on, cleaning the rivers and recycling the rubbish, a cleansing.  Then doing something I love, collecting butterflies for a house, beautiful tropical ones.  Then found a beautiful papilio ageus with boring ‘common brown’ underneath, theme again of the beauty and the dullness, the opposites together, reality and the dream.  Seeing the two sides, accepting the two sides.

06, 1M, 08:xx:xx

Dream about killing three cops in the head, they were driving and I flew up above the city and had trouble getting up high.  Also dreamt of two blonde girls, one (Lucy) was prettier and I was kissing her, but then she went away and another blonde one kissed me and said something like “Lucy is prettier, but you’d be better off with me!” and I kissed her.

Interpretation:  Anger to authority figures, institutions.  Being better off not necessarily with the pretty girl, but with what suits me best.  Seeing beyond the superficial. 

06, 1M, 14:xx:xx

 

Have become aware of the difference between reality - a knowing, honesty and truth, versus the story we put out, following society to fit in, being acceptable through a story or an image.

08, 30c, 00:01:15

Dream of being in the woods and needing to choose colours carefully in the blue range, and it was part of needing to waken up.

It meant waking up on a different level, about needing to be more conscious in life and in my actions.

08, 30c, 01:xx:xx

I am seeing things on a deeper level rather than just at face value.  Videos taking me through a range of emotions, but I’m not getting hooked into them like usual, so able to see a different message, without judgement of it.

08, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Denial

Further seeing the denial in my life, in jobs I’ve had, feeling a bit depressed realising this.

03, 200c, 04:xx:xx

I’m finding it hard to be around those in denial, as then I can’t express myself truthfully.  Realising it’s not my problem that they can’t deal with it, that they find it hard as it confronts them with the fact that they’re in denial.

08, 30c, 12:xx:xx

Negativity

Feel triggered by the negative thinking of others.  Already feel vulnerable about moving so am irritated by negativity of others, feel I need to be reminded only of positive things.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Felt negative and depressed as usual, but also felt the need to strengthen myself.  Normally I wouldn’t be bothered or feel strong enough to think this.

06, 1M, 14:xx:xx

Not feeling especially negative anymore, just a bit isolated and resigned.

06, 1M, 18:xx:xx

Since the remedy, I am noticing negativity on a more subtle level.  Before I felt it, but now I can see it in the words, I am seeing and hearing things differently.

08, 30c, 42:xx:xx

There’s been a change in my mental perception, like a switch from negative to positive thinking.  I feel less willing to get into negative thoughts even when there is a good opportunity for them, have to be positive.

10, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Sacrifice, taking responsibility.

Sacrifice, victim, martyrdom

 

Become more aware of how I’ve operated and dealt with life as a victim.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Realisation that all the women in my family chose to sacrifice themselves for men, and then felt bitter as they’d wasted their lives.  Realised how important it was to do what you want in life, not betraying yourself or martyring yourself to children or husband.

08, 30c, 00:01:15

 

Watched movie “The Hours” and saw how all the women in it were locked into living other peoples lives instead of their own, how this turns inwards and becomes a depressive thing.

08, 30c, 07:xx:xx

Saw that I got CFS when I was doing things for duty, when you have to do something, but then end up resenting it as you’re not choosing to do it, so it takes your energy up.  This is what made me a CFS candidate, always doing things cause I had to.  It’s not the things themselves, it’s the attitude towards doing them, if you don’t want to do it but still do, you end up fighting it on the inside with resentment, which eventually leads to fatigue and depression.

08, 30c, 33:xx:xx

Realised by being firm and saying no when I mean no, that I am encouraging others to stand up for themselves and to not say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ out of a sense of duty or martyrdom or victim.  Nurses sacrificing themselves for the institution and working when they don’t feel up to it out of guilt or whatever, but then take it out on the patients, and because they sacrifice themselves for the hospital, the hospital never sees the problem that they’re short staffed and so never does anything about it, so the nurses keep bearing the weight.  Self sacrifice stuff.

09, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Realised I have created scenarios with others to make me see that I was taking on too many responsibilities that weren’t mine, and then getting resentful of it.  Now I’m not needing to rely on others for success so much, taking responsibility for myself.

10, 30c, 09:xx:xx

Taking responsibility for self

I feel like it’s okay to look after myself, I’ve found a part of me that is willing to look after me, and accept that someone else isn’t there to do it.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Saw that my fantasies stop me from having a relationship.  Not having a relationship keeps me safe, but has also kept me from having what I want.  Don’t want to do that anymore.  I feel the potential to not rely on anything outside myself, on men.  Realised that what you control ends up controlling you. 

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Realised I have choices, I can stay in this situation and have all these things happen to and around me, or I can move and choose what I want to happen.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Staying calm and cool, not getting into any stuff.  Feeling tired, but not resentful or duty bound to do things.  Doing them because I want to, makes all the difference.

08, 30c, 28:xx:xx

 

Quiet, alone

Desire to be alone

Wanted to be wrapped up, didn’t want to talk or see anyone, noises irritating. 

01, 6c; 00:00:15

Antisocial, want to be left alone.  Every time there’s a noise from the neighbours I tense up thinking it’s someone coming to visit me.

01, 6c, 00:01:15

Still feel I don’t want company, but not to such a degree.

01, 6c, 00:03:50

I’ve realised I’ve had no contact with anyone today.  No calls in or out.

01, 6c, 00:06:00

I am enjoying some time to myself.  If I try to ring someone they are either not home or unavailable.  My son stayed away last night and will be again tonight (unusual for him to be away 2 consecutive nights).  Feel nurtured by quiet time.

01, 6c, 00:06:35

Computer has frozen and I can’t access anything on it.  Feeling a little lonely now as I’ve had little contact with anyone all day.

01, 6c, 00:09:30

Just realised that the computer breaking down was another form of contact / communication that I don’t have, no email.  I feel cut off but not overly worried about it.

01, 6c, 00:12:15

Locking self away to some degree.

01, 6c, 07:xx:xx

Having to form solutions alone as I can’t approach the people involved as they aren’t open to it.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Don’t want to communicate with anybody much.  Wondering if I’ll be isolated in my new place.

03, 200c, 03:xx:xx

Failed to make contact with my supervisor again, usually pretty good with keeping my appointments with people.

04, 200c, 02:xx:xx

Dreamt I was in an overseas place and with many people.  Instead of socialising I caught butterflies in my net.  I somehow knew that I should make connections with people but I didn’t.  Part of my problem.  I caught many butterflies, and I could also fly to catch them, everyone was amazed.  Felt excited about catching them.  There was a particular one at the end of the dream that stuck out, grey in colour, and when I tried to pick it up it had spikes on the underside of its wings, which hurt my fingers.

06, 1M, 05:xx:xx (first time)

Turning more inward, feel I don’t have to say hello to people if I don’t want to just to be polite.  Not wasting my time with people that aren’t right for me.  Bit of a withdrawal.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx (first time)

Feel like I can’t handle big situations, like I need to focus and contract my energy.

06, 1M, 13:xx:xx

Feel like I just don’t have the internal energy for socialising, I feel tired inside.  Withdrawn.  Feel comfortable in myself, but withdrawn socially.

06, 1M, 18:xx:xx

I don’t feel like seeing anyone, whereas before I was desperate to see my friends.

06, 1M, 26:xx:xx

Realisation of what my chronic fatigue is about.  I shut down as a child, which manifested as a deep sleep.  CFS was a shutting down and escaping from abuse.

08, 30c, 00:09:00

Felt a bit quieter socially than usual, a bit less chatty.

10, 30c, 03:xx:xx

Felt a bit sulky today, very contained, didn’t want to go out at all, didn’t want to see anyone.

10, 30c, 12:xx:xx

Prefer to be alone.  Feeling ill and people are offering help which I would normally accept, but I felt pressured ‘leave me alone, you’re in my space’ type of feeling.

11, 30c, 00:xx:xx

Am in a half dreamy state, a bit off the planet, not really grounded, not responding well as I’m in my own world.

11, 30c, 00:xx:xx

Wanted to be alone, but company was okay.

11, 30c, 02, 03:xx:xx

Enjoying alone

Felt nurtured and okay about being alone.

01, 6c, 00:00:15

 

Enjoying time to self.  Feel nurtured by quiet time.

01, 6c, 00:06:35

Feel okay to be alone.

06, 1M, 02:xx:xx

Feel withdrawn but okay about it.

06, 1M, 27:xx:xx

The more I withdraw, the more people come towards me.

08, 30c, 52:xx:xx

Great to be alone in morning.  But in afternoon, had cabin fever and wanted to go out, ready to meet people.

11, 30c, 06:xx:xx

Social

Shared well at a meeting today.

03, 200c, 04:xx:xx

 

Just want to talk and be around people, feeling nurtured being with people, embracing the fellowship more and more.

03, 200c, 08:xx:xx

 

Am enjoying being with people much more, feel more interactive and group oriented at times than usual, and with people I want to.  Feel more comfortable and at ease at meetings, feel more like I belong.  I feel loved and cared for by the group, where I usually feel a bit nervy and anxious.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Felt very well all day.  Interpersonal meetings with customers, very chatty, friendly.

04, 200c, 05:xx:xx

Made some jokes that were good for a change!

06, 1M, 04:xx:xx (first time)

Feel more confident than usual.

06, 1M, 05:xx:xx (first time)

Lots of people smiled at me, which is unusual, felt good.

06, 1M, 00:xx:xx

Felt more outward looking, more positive and ‘with it’, but also more unsatisfied with my life. Realised I have little to offer people on a deeper level and that it’s a bad pattern that needs to be broken.

06, 1M, 02:xx:xx

More cuddly and touchy than usual, more sensual and in the body, feeling more.

06, 1M, 04:xx:xx

I feel unusually positive and talkative, more lively and excited. 

06, 1M, 07:xx:xx

I’m feeling more connected to the world and people, having more pleasure in things, I’m more outward focused and connected to the outside world. 

Feel happier in myself, so don’t have the normal need to retreat inside into fantasy or escapism.  Have become more aware of how I escape through pity, TV, smoking etc.  Now I just feel I have a job to do so get on and do it without trying to escape it.

06, 1M, 16:xx:xx

It’s like my brain has reached a little level, is perched there and I’m looking differently at the world.  Caring more about what I’m doing on the outside.

06, 1M, 16:xx:xx

Feel a bit more in the here and now and making better quality connections with people.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

Feel more connected to people, like when I’m talking to people I’m really there.

06, 1M, 29:xx:xx

Another day of connecting with lovely people.

08, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Dreamt of seeing my older brother (who I haven’t heard from in years).  After the dream I rang him, made contact.  After conversation knew I didn’t really want to talk to him for another 5 years, was more just a basic interest ‘is he dead of alive?’  Me being the middle child always the one to make contact with two brothers even though don’t have much in common.

09, 30c, 01:xx:xx

 

Energy, enthusiasm

My son said I was “too awake” for him, lively and chatty.

01, 6c, 01:xx:xx

Have really been doing and enjoying lots of exercise.  Didn’t have the energy for it before, but now I do.

03, 200c, 6 months later

Felt pumped.

04, 200c, 00:09:xx

My energy and emotional levels were high, could accomplish all the tasks in a one-person market stall.

04, 200c, 04:xx:xx

Had lots of energy to get everything done.  Normally I consciously try to not do too much, but felt I could do whatever was necessary and feel buoyant with it.

04, 200c, 11:xx:xx

During proving, I was pumped in many ways, all my appetites were firing – food, learning, sex, etc.  I was feeling good about myself, eating well, playing tennis well, good energy levels, good all round.

04, 200c, xx:xx:xx

More excited and enthusiastic about life, not as depressed as normal.

06, 1M, 00:05:00

Have more energy for feeling good, more get up and go.  More ‘with it’ mentally.  Have more mental energy that is then allowing me to do more physically.  Not so much negative thinking.  Feel more robust, could keep working through the hunger.

06, 1M, 01:xx:xx

Dreamt that R (old friend) was with someone, but I was hanging around her.  I knew that she liked me.  I liked her romantically but she wasn’t threatened by that, as she liked me too.  Then she turned into a blonde girl, same feeling and situation though getting along a bit better with her.  Dream made me feel excited in the heart and sexually.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx (first time)

Good energy and concentration even during flu.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

My body is starting to feel stronger.

08, 30c, 13:xx:xx

Feel much stronger and happier than before.

10, 30c, 00:03:15

Woke early with good energy.  Really high energy, running instead of walking my normal walk, normally don’t want to run, but today I really wanted to run.

10, 30c, 04:xx:xx

Energy still feels good.  Feel good in myself.  Start getting a bit tired around 4pm.

10, 30c, 09:xx:xx

Slowed down a bit in energy today, got very blasé, ‘its not a problem, no stress’, before that I was really conjuring up stuff and feeling the energy of doing that, but now have let it go a bit.

10, 30c, 09:xx:xx

Low energy today.  The remedy energised me, my head was so clear, no concerns or mind stuff going on constantly.  Didn’t give me the physical energy so much, but the mind stuff to do the physical.

10, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Feel good in general, happy, but a bit down in the afternoon.

11, 30c, 10:xx:xx

Fatigue, apathy

Slowing down, time

 

Am slower, more chilled out, doing things at the right time rather than pushing the way.

03, 200c, 26:xx:xx

Had no time for a shower or shave this morning, which is unusual as I usually budget my time very well so I’m not rushed in the mornings.

04, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Felt like I wasn’t hurting myself or others, just meeting the challenges of what I had to do and still having time to do what I wanted.

04, 200c, xx:xx:xx

Fatigue

Alert, yet drowsy at same time.

01, 6c, 00:00:15

I felt that the remedy on some level made me feel a little tired.  It’s like the part of me that comes back into my body (that has the density) makes me tired, and the outer part has good energy levels.  It’s not an uncomfortable tired though.

01, 6c, 00:02:xx

Felt tired and drained.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Feel overwhelmed by life, work, recovery, and not being well.

03, 200c, 08:xx:xx

Tired and depressed, low energy.  Feel tired of giving and like I need to receive.

03, 200c, 10:xx:xx

Don’t feel like working, feel the need to nurture myself, so took a day off.  Low energy.  Feel energised to do what I want to do for me, not for others.  Just by saying ‘I don’t want to work’ I felt better immediately, got energy from it.

03, 200c, 12:xx:xx

Slower than usual, no inclination to do much, just want to lay on couch and watch others do the work.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Realised I have no energy inside because I’m not on my true path.  Feel a separation, a rift between my internal and external world.  Realised that my external world doesn’t reflect my internal potential and who I truly am, and this is why I have lost a sense of meaning in the external world and doing things.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx

Low mood, slightly weepy, don’t know why, very tired.

08, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Low spirits in afternoon, a little weepy and an effort to do anything.

08, 30c, 07:xx:xx

Realising how tiring it is looking after two young children and my daughter, haven’t had time to think about myself and how I feel, danger of pushing physically too far, reminds me of how and why I got ill (CFS) – just living under pressure to cope and make ends meet for children, no support.  Reminds me why women need space to care for themselves.

08, 30c, 27:xx:xx

Saw that I got CFS when I was doing things for duty, when you have to do something, but then end up resenting it as you’re not choosing to do it, so it takes your energy up.  This is what made me a CFS candidate, always doing things cause I had to.  It’s not the things themselves, it’s the attitude towards doing them, if you don’t want to do it but still do, you end up fighting it on the inside with resentment, which eventually leads to fatigue and depression.

08, 30c, 33:xx:xx

Low energy, better as the day progressed.

10, 30c, 16:xx:xx

Low energy.

11, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Eager to go in early morning, but then two hours later, low energy, give in.

11, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Ready to roll but holding back on energy still.

11, 30c, 04:xx:xx

Slow start to day, lots of ideas but ‘do it later’.

11, 30c, 06:xx:xx

Apathy

I feel like I can’t be bothered with anything.

01, 6c, 00:01:15

Tired, don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, face anything.

01, 6c, 01:xx:xx

Ambivalent thoughts, how meaningless possessions are, so impermanent.  Thinking about this over the last 3 or 4 days.  Bit of pointlessness feeling, not interested in women, feel a bit sad about it.  Haven’t really thought that way before, especially about death, bought a book on death which highlighted it, what’s the point of smoking when it’s so unhealthy?  What’s the point of desiring?  It just ends anyway, so why spend money on buying a house etc?

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx (first time)

Before had a general feeling of hopelessness, now it seems more directed.  Realised that my hopelessness springs from a lack of faith and hope, which gives rise to questioning the basic values and habits in life, as we’re just going through the motions, doing what’s expected – to be sociable.  Highlighted to me that really there is no point if there is no feeling of joy.  There’s no point being friendly to someone if it doesn’t make you happy.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx (first time)

Dreamt that my girlfriend and I went to Iraq without realising the danger, we met some young people who said there was no way out.  She turned another girls head around to show how it was shaved at the back and electrodes placed on it.  I said “why don’t you take a ship to France or something since you can’t get out of the land borders?”

 I was really excited and scared in this dream, felt very woken up from my current state of apathy, it felt like a way to come out of my depression.

06, 1M, 07:xx:xx

Feel bored and tired.

11, 30c, 01:05:00

Feel ‘what’s the use of life?’

11, 30c, 01:05:45

Duality

It’s like the part of me that comes back into my body (that has the density) makes me tired, and the outer part has good energy levels.

01, 6c, 00:02:xx

Feel a separation, a rift between my internal and external world.  Realised that my external world doesn’t reflect my internal potential and who I truly am, and this is why I have lost a sense of meaning in the external world and doing things.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx

The remedy energised me, my head was so clear, no concerns or mind stuff going on constantly.  Didn’t give me the physical energy so much, but the mind stuff to do the physical.

10, 30c, 14:xx:xx

Went for a run, had heaviness and lethargy in top part of body, which on any other occasion would be enough reason to not do the run, but instead of giving up, I had this sense that another part of my body was in control of running, mechanical control of running.  As I was running Sex pistols song “Anger is an energy” came into my head and was singing it as I went along in rhythm to mechanical running.  Never experienced that before, this separateness, the mechanical nature of the lower body moving was like an energy coming from a different place, and totally separate from the heavy sensation and mood of giving up.

09, 30c, 00:07:00

Felt like there was two of me, one conscious of the other one going through this neurotic situation, an observer.

11, 30c, 21:xx:xx

Dreamt I was in a jeep with other people in a mountain area.  As we drove down a dirt road, there was a road nearby where huge semitrailers were roaring at about 180km per hour down a steep hill racing each other.  We then came across snow on the road and I told the driver to slow down, he did.  We came to big goannas and huge wedgetail eagles near the road.  We stopped to look.  We got to a mountain peak with snow, like Pigeon-house mountain.

06, 1M, 32:xx:xx

Dream about a strange landscape.  I was with a blonde woman, and I remember flying across a dim hilly land with sparse trees.  It was fairly flat and not rocky and we glided down a very steep bit.  I was saying “the whole of this area would have been lush forest”.  Then I remember meeting with two men who had stopped their job to begin working on the river to remove rubbish from it and then recycle it.  Then I was at a house near the river and I was picking out butterflies to go in a butterfly house, I remember the Green Spotted Triangle and a male Cairns Birdwing.  I also remember capturing a Papilio ageus with Common Brown wings kind of stuck on the underside of it, weird.  Then I was dancing with the woman who was semi naked, but there was a strict rule of no sex.

 Interpretation:  Looking at how I used to be, a lush forest, but now a dying landscape, though accepting the beauty in that at the same time.  Cleanup going on, cleaning the rivers and recycling the rubbish, a cleansing.  Then doing something I love, collecting butterflies for a house, beautiful tropical ones.  Then found a beautiful papilio ageus with boring ‘common brown’ underneath, theme again of the beauty and the dullness, the opposites together, reality and the dream. 

06, 1M, 08:xx:xx

Going back to past

Dream – having loving sex with old boyfriend.  When it came to intercourse it was unsuccessful and dissatisfying, then the whole family was involved and I left shouting how I would never come back, and went to ring a friend.  During the conversation, remembered I had been drinking and was really shocked and upset that a few drinks would erase all my clean time. 

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Able to see how my defects operate in my life.

03, 200c, 20:xx:xx

Had lots of denial lift around my relationships with men.  Saw that the need to be accepted, approved of and desired was all connected back to my relationship with my father, became controlling in relationships out of fear of being disregarded.  Now feel like I want to look at being friends with men, rather than seeing them as objects of relationship.

03, 200c, xx:xx:xx

Dreamt I was back in school.  Trying to work out how many pipes V8 and four cylinder engines have by counting the outlets.  I was back in school with a female teacher and I got the feeling of frustration like I got at school, having to do an essay and not feeling up to it until I actually do it, a feeling of relief at the end.  Dreamt of an old Holden with a huge turbo engine in it and then when I woke I saw the car, same colour (cream) and everything.

Interpretation: Engines and cars represent stagnation to me, I’ve used them in my life to fill in time while my brain wasn’t working.  Feeling of stagnation and frustration and having to go back in time, and a fear of regressing and having to do things again.  Like I didn’t complete something at school so being forced to go back.  Turbos inject you with extra life, more power and air.  So turbo in the conservative cream Holden, as a compensation for what I missed as a child.  Didn’t let what I was learning in, did the work but didn’t understand the meaning behind the work, meaning was disconnected from the action, going through the motions. When not connected to what you’re doing, feel disempowered as forcing myself to do it.  Turbo makes you feel in control, powerful.  So dream is about how I’ve compensated rather than healed something.  Maybe needing to accept that I am a boring, conservative old cream Holden, accepting myself for who I am now, without compensating so I can grow.

 06, 1M, 14:xx:xx (first time)

Dreamt I was back in 5th grade and I felt embarrassed and frustrated because everyone was younger and the work was easy but I had to do it anyway.  It was like I had missed out one subject and that was the reason I was back there.  I made friends with a blonde girl called Jenny and we pashed for ages.  Then I heard my girlfriend turning up in her car so I had to hide from the rest of the class and Jenny.  It was set at my childhood home town.  I remember coming back to class in a shirt looking like a man and trying to join the children, which I did.  The teacher turned into Mr D who I actually had in 4th grade.  I was wearing my green striped shirt.

Awful nightmare.  Left me with a feeling of social unhappiness in my present life.  Like I missed out on something vital to my character and now my life reflects this loss by being unsatisfying.

06, 1M, 16:xx:xx (first time)

Dreamt I was in a band with E and two men.  We were trying to play Stairway to Heaven, but we couldn’t get in tune or find the chords.  We were about 12 stories up with a huge crowd of people with candles below in a street.  They seemed to be waiting forever for us.  Also dreamt of my ex.  We were in bed holding each other, and I really wanted to have sex with her but she didn’t want to.  We were trying to avoid her boyfriend who seemed to be around in the distance.

06, 1M, 00:xx:xx ; or 20:xx:xx (first time)

Feel like if I try and get anywhere in the world, it pushes me back to my childhood, like it’s telling me to go back and fix the problem that’s stopping me.

06, 1M, 27:xx:xx

Made the connection while feeling faint and sickly that I used to faint a lot when I was being abused.  Wanted to cry from the pit of my stomach and as the tears came I felt relaxed in my bowels and lower body.

08, 30c, 00:00:55 (day 3)

Brought a depth of understanding (not just intellectual) into my life, in seeing how many past social beliefs have been taken from my family and carried on.  I am changing the female line of my family.  Have been allowed to see it wasn’t my stuff, but taken from my aunts and parents.  Realised this not just intellectually, but by seeing the world through their eyes rather than my own.

08, 30c, 58:xx:xx

Pictures of past events are moving through my vision.

11, 30c, 01:02:15

Change, letting go, moving forward, holding back.

Letting go, cleansing

 

I feel like I have the opportunity to be free from these thought patterns I didn’t even know were there.  Like a door opened and I could go and look in.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Feel like I’ve done my grieving and leaving already.  Feel quite excited about moving, transition period.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Burned heaps of old papers and diaries, let go.  Feel a deep cleansing going on inside.  Big cries and remorse about the past and all the missed opportunities.

03, 200c, 20:xx:xx

Dream about a strange landscape.  I was with a blonde woman, and I remember flying across a dim hilly land with sparse trees.  It was fairly flat and not rocky and we glided down a very steep bit.  I was saying “the whole of this area would have been lush forest”.  Then I remember meeting with two men who had stopped their job to begin working on the river to remove rubbish from it and then recycle it.  Then I was at a house near the river and I was picking out butterflies to go in a butterfly house, I remember the Green Spotted Triangle and a male Cairns Birdwing.  I also remember capturing a Papilio ageus with Common Brown wings kind of stuck on the underside of it, weird.  Then I was dancing with the woman who was semi naked, but there was a strict rule of no sex.

 Interpretation:  Looking at how I used to be, a lush forest, but now a dying landscape, though accepting the beauty in that at the same time.  Cleanup going on, cleaning the rivers and recycling the rubbish, a cleansing.  Then doing something I love, collecting butterflies for a house, beautiful tropical ones.  Then found a beautiful papilio ageus with boring ‘’common brown’ underneath, theme again of, the beauty and the dullness, the opposites together, reality and the dream. 

06, 1M, 08:xx:xx

Feel satisfied where I am, not thinking I should be elsewhere, and also more able to let things go.  Even people – can interact and then let them go and move on instead of trying to hold onto them.

There’s a big release that’s come over me, I’ve stopped fighting, just being, happier in my failures.  I feel much more peaceful.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

Dreamt I was with my family on a walk and we saw these two old South American houses.  So we camped there for some days.  Then something weird started happening.  With my ex girlfriend and I accidentally picked up her pajama top, so I had to give it back.  But there was some type of wind that blew it away and exposed me, naked.  We left the building, then I tried to get back in the window, and there was a force that was pulling me in.  It was very strong.  I was talking to dad (deceased) who was explaining something.  When we got out of the house it vanished, we had been camping on old ruins!  After a few days the illusion we all had, had vanished.  Dad said there are some people who will see the old things if they are sensitive enough.

06, 1M, 25:xx:xx

Lots of thoughts about forgiving myself and my body for creating so much illness in it.

08, 30c, 00:00:50 (day 3)

Found myself sorting through old papers, looking for something and throwing out old papers and ordering them.  Realised how much I hoard papers.  My brain wasn’t leading my body for a change, just found myself doing it.

08, 30c, 08:xx:xx

I am noticing now how much easier it is to let go of things, even people, able to let them come in and out of my life.

08, 30c, 42:xx:xx

Grief

Big release, really cried over years of self abuse, been an insensitive bitch to myself.  Learning how to move away from it and move on.

03, 200c, 12:xx:xx

Lots of grief, sadness and depression in the last few weeks and wanting to intellectualise it and not feel it.

03, 200c, 20:xx:xx

Eyes filled with tears like I want to cry but I can’t find any reason for it.

08, 30c, 00:00:20 (day 3)

Started sighing deeply.

08, 30c, 00:00:25 (day 3)

Desire to change

Feel really prepared to move from here, the change around me is not going to stop.  Want to move on.  I’ve surrendered and accepted what’s going on around me finally, the reality of the situation has clicked in and I’ve realised it’s not going to change here.  Like a reality check, a level of denial has lifted, the outside world won’t change, so I can only change my own direction.  I am ready to see the reality of the situation and to follow through with that, decided to move out.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

I feel the need to change the weight of the balance, lifting some of the stuff off the male side and tuning into a more feminine energy.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Desire to create a better life for myself through education.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

Realised I’ve been in a comfortable rut that is no longer comfortable, and this is the first stage of getting out of it – moving house physically.  Time to let go all these uncomfortable stuck ruts.  The remedy has made me see that I’ve been putting up with crap for a long time.  Saw that I grew up living with stuff I didn’t like but couldn’t change, and I’m still doing that now, but I have the power to change it now.

03, 200c, 14:xx:xx

Feeling the need to get unstuck in everything, my health and the way I use food.  Want to let go of lots of unhealthy things as I move out of here, especially around my self perception, self worth, my relationship with myself, and really improving that.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Feel ready to share a home for a change, to be thoughtful and respectful to my new housemate.

03, 200c, 15:xx:xx

Decided to go and visit girlfriend in Istanbul, unplanned, only decided three weeks before going, just a ‘why not go?  I’ve got the money etc’ so went, bit spur of the moment.

04, 200c, 40:xx:xx?

I feel like something is pushing me to make a big change, a big move.  Feel very confused about what I want, my intellect says I should stay and work through things, but another side feels like it just wants to get up and leave, that this area isn’t right for me.

06, 1M, 17:xx:xx (first time)

Feel like I really want to change, move away and learn something quite different.  Yet at the same time I don’t feel strong enough inside to do that.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx

Felt a need to finalise things, that a cycle has come to an end and its time for the new.  Feel a need to rid the old dross and finish with my previous past life in England.  The remedy is helping me to move forward, helped me to see the old book needs closing and to actually do it.

08, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Have a desire for complete and utter freedom from duty, responsibility, and the past.

08, 30c, 07:xx:xx

Feeling ready for a change.

10, 30c, 00:05:00

Decision to change, determination

Fed up with my physical symptoms, they’ve been going on too long, decided I really don’t want to live like this anymore.

03, 200c, 09:xx:xx

I feel resolved to change, that there is a lot of work to do, but feel more realistic and ruthless, can’t waste time with negativity anymore.  Feel an urgency to get on with my life.  Feel more ruthless inside, like the time has come to be stronger and to feel better, and that I’m not going to get dragged into my old ways, but will make the most of the world I’m in.

06, 1M, 18:xx:xx

Feel determined inside, determined not to feel hopeless anymore, to feel secure inside.  Don’t like the fact that I need people around me a lot.

06, 1M, 19:xx:xx

Watched a movie ‘Touching the Void’ and a line in it ‘if I don’t make a decision I’m going to die, even if it’s the wrong decision’ really struck a chord with me, realised I need to exercise that faculty of making decisions even if they’re wrong, but at least then I’m moving forward.

06, 1M, 20:xx:xx

I worked in the knowledge that time was short.

06, 1M, 27:xx:xx

 

Dream, 2am - I’m in a queue of traffic in my car.  I’m driving.  I’m fed up with waiting in the queue.  I can’t tell which way forward is the best route to take, there are two roads ahead of me, they look as if they run parallel, but I’m aware they could go off in different directions.  I’m not bothered, I don’t want to keep waiting patiently, it is time for a positive move.  I move out from the line and set off.  One or two other cars start to follow me and the other drivers look at me and glare, and close ranks as if I had not been there.

Interpretation: its time to decide and not worry about what others are thinking, some will actually follow.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Not changing

Am questioning my security needs, always thought security was important for me, but now not sure if I really need it, or am just using that to hold me back.

06, 1M, 06:xx:xx

Suddenly wanted to cry on seeing a picture of my aunt when she was happy, realised I had never seen her happy, and was crying at her happiness.  Brought together the understanding that people are safe, well and happy when they’re dead, and the sadness of how we live life – being afraid of transition of going along with the trends and duties. 

08, 30c, 00:01:15

Seeing how not changing and stagnating was just as hard as changing.  Realised I always thought it was the men who didn’t want to change, but it wasn’t always, the choice was also made on the female side.

08, 30c, 00:01:15

Getting annoyed by change, being worn down by changes.

10, 30c, 15:xx:xx

 

Moving forward

Seeing the problems around me now as a gift at times, the push to help me move on.  Hard to not make it personal, but am choosing not to do that, and seeing it as a push from the universe to do something better living-wise.  I’m going to take the risk to find what I want.

03, 200c, 02:xx:xx

Realised I have choices, I can stay in this situation and have all these things happen to and around me, or I can move and choose what I want to happen.

03, 200c, 06:xx:xx

It feels like I’m getting more mature in a conventional way.

06, 1M, 24:xx:xx

Feel like I’m really getting to the block, forgiving myself and my body to give it some freedom.

08, 30c, 04:xx:xx

Feeling positive and clear that I’m moving into the future. 

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

Babies, birthing, pregnancy

I feel this is a very important remedy. It has something to do with blood – maybe cord blood from birth of baby.

02, 6c, xx:xx:xx

Didn’t like the thought of my partner being pregnant.

06, 1M, 04:xx:xx

Being a spiritual midwife, giving birth to my true self.

08, 30c, 62:xx:xx

Dream about a baby being kidnapped from a bus, only the baby wasn’t the baby it was supposed to be.  I was sitting on a bus observing all the people looking for a particular baby.  I felt I’d found it.  A man with tattoos had the baby with another man.  When he got off the bus I arrested the man and interrogated them, but then realised it was the wrong baby, somehow the baby changed.  It was wearing a medallion, crucifix around its neck with a secret inscription, a DNA thing.  Then I was left with the wrong baby and no parent.

10, 30c, 01:xx:xx

Dream - I have a baby boy in my arms.  I have to breast feed him, he needs colostrum.  I should not give it to people who ask for it, but keep it where it was needed most.  And then I remembered how good colostrum is for eye disease.

11, 30c, 10:xx:xx

Dreamt I was trying to insert some licorice into a woman’s very stretched vagina as she was sitting on a seat.

06, 1M, 04:xx:xx

Prams

Dream – I’m on a country walk.  I have left a path and I am cutting across a large area of bush going uphill.  I am on a narrow goat track at times.  I’m not scared and I can see where I’m headed.  I’ve been this way before (?)  I know the track leads to a place, a house on side of hill at a junction and there I’m on the main road, it’s the Lismore highway?  I don’t want to walk on the side of the road because of the traffic and I realise that there is a footpath much higher up the side of the hill.  I see a woman with a pram walking on it.  Never knew this before don’t know how I missed it!  I start to worry I have not brought a bottle of water in case I get thirsty.  It’s a long way.  Am I going a long way round or can I make the journey shorter?

I’m in a town and lots of things have been happening.  I came in a car but things are missing from it and it can’t be driven.  I haven’t parked it and its not my car, not my problem or responsibility.  There is a huge 4WD vehicle and my friend Sheila is trying to get into it.  I walk across the street, a child is with me.  I wonder where my ex husband has gone and in the distance I see him with the rugby team all queuing waiting for a coach to come and get them.

I’m walking on a narrow path on the side of hill.  It’s all dusty and crumbling.  I tell my daughter that noone can own this, it’s surely a public right of way.  I’m pushing a pram.  The path comes to a very steep part.  I can just reach and manage to lift the baby and pram up and put them safely on the top.  I have no energy or strength left to lift myself or to climb up to be with the baby and pram.  My daughter comes and tries to pull me up.

08, 30c, 37:xx:xx

During meditation immediately after taking 4th dose of remedy, I ‘saw’ the lower half of my torso balloon out like a teardrop shape or a pot bellied man and the lining of this shape was a luminous violet colour.  I saw different shapes that were all this colour.  A vague shape of a tree with no leaves but tiny multi coloured (mostly violet), twinkling dots at the end of the branches that sort of looked like leaves, it was very beautiful.

 I saw a serene garden, very mossy, rainforesty, greenery with an old pram in it.

01, 6c, 00:02:xx (4th dose taken immediately before hand)

Food

Losing weight

Thoughts about losing weight, eating less.  First email today from a client who has MS – she was feeling very depressed and not eating

02, 6c, 00:00:00

Thinking of weight loss, and how eating is used as a compensation.

02, 6c, 00:00:30

On TV – continued theme of weight loss with the use of smell.

02, 6c, 00:11:00

Stomach more sensitive, feel more aware of what I’m eating and when.  Feel like a healthy breakfast.

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Noticed a different hunger at lunch, its like I want to put the right food in my body.  Took the time to buy celery.  Feel more aware of my digestion, usually it just cops whatever food. 

03, 200c, 01:xx:xx

Food as love

Eating as compensation for not loving.

02, 6c, 00:00:40

Also remembered how I used food in my childhood to feel better of feel more connected with the day, to cope with schoolwork.  It meant eating more so I felt secure, but it was not a conscious thing, it just happened.

06, 1M, 73:xx:xx

Realised we weren’t shown affection as a child except through food.

08, 30c, 00:07:00

Realised when looking for comfort food I’m looking for affection, because as a child I got food in place of affection.

08, 30c, 12:xx:xx

Realised I punish myself through cheese, butter and bread, the staples, was given food as love instead of cuddles as a child, shown affection through food.  So go for these comfort foods to feel love and to fill the emptiness.  Remembered why I never used to eat cheese as a child, had forgotten.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

More comfortable to fill self up with comfort food rather than change, even though it makes you feel worse.

08, 30c, 05:xx:xx

I am understanding now that when my emotions are raw, I use food that makes me physically unwell – butter, bread, cheese.

08, 30c, 08:xx:xx

Believe I know now when I’m feeding my emotions with food to sedate them.  Don’t always know what the feeling is or what it’s about, but now I’m aware of it.  Becoming aware of the food that feeds how I’m feeling and looking deeper to see what is coming up for me to heal.

08, 30c, 11:xx:xx

Other

Although I know I am still laying on the bed, I feel as if my body is being bounced all over the bed, and belching a lot.

08, 30c, 00:00:25 (day 3)

Became aware that my mood lifts in sunny weather and I want to do things, and in grey weather I want to stay home.

08, 30c, 02:xx:xx

Keep seeing triangles in connections in the body – ear, nose, throat; brain, ears, nose; nose, chest, back, ear. 

Also have been drawing triangles and shapes a lot, geometrics.

08, 30c, 58:xx:xx

 

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